A Guest Post by Zoey Martin of Good Goog
I am a reformed perfectionist. Not completely. I’m not perfect at it. See? I’m reformed.
Perfectionism is a nice idea, alluring even. ‘Do your best’, ‘aim for the stars’, ‘give it your all’. The problem is that these goals are completely unquantifiable. How will I know if it was my absolute best? Is this the stars or the moon? Maybe I could have done a little bit better. And that’s the insidious nature of perfectionism, you could always have done better.
Perfectionism is a black hole of neediness.
Your best is never good enough. Because ‘good enough’ isn’t in perfectionism’s vocabulary. Unlike ‘die trying’ which I’m pretty sure is. And perfectionists are always disappointed, always. And speaking from experience, they also tend to be paralyzed by fear most of the time.
Example: In my former life, I re-wrote a prologue more than 100 times. That’s not an exaggeration, I’m being conservative. Imagine that, over 100 times, on a manual typewriter. All for two pages of text, at best. Perfectionism sells itself as the ideal, the apex, what you could be if all the stars aligned. But it’s a silver-tongued enemy, holding you back, and down, and out.
Your inner perfectionist will tell you that anything less than full, unbridled perfectionism is lazy, unacceptable and just plain wrong. Don’t listen! Let your passion be unbridled, allow yourself to actually jump into a project rather than agonizing over it and make mistakes fearlessly. People boast about being perfectionists, but deep down, they all know that perfectionism isn’t a friend, or even a frenemy, it’s an albatross around their neck. Because guess what? You could write a prologue 100 times or you could write a whole novel in half the time.
But even reformed perfectionists need a plan. Here’s how I battled perfectionism and won:
1) Realize that perfectionism is the antithesis to happiness This takes time. But whenever you feel perfectionism rise within you, take a moment. Remind yourself of why you have chosen not to see your life and your efforts in this way. Know that if you throw everything at a project, invest your heart and your passion and your mind, you will be entirely secure in the outcome no matter what.
2) Indulge in guilty pleasures Sometimes, us reformed perfectionists need to indulge in certain behavior. I used to alphabetize. It’s therapeutic. All our books, DVDs in a happy perfect order. Because thankfully books and DVDs are not human and they really are that simple. Unleash all that perfectionism in bursts of activity if need be. You’ll be pleased to know that I no longer alphabetize. My bursts of perfectionism are limited to the occasional spring clean.
3) Keep Your Eye on the Prize Perfectionists of have a nasty habit of not getting anything done. If everything is so perfect, why are they so ineffectual? Because a perfectionist starts with the goal of folding the laundry and ends up re-organizing the entire wardrobe, re-folding everything and possibly even moving the aforementioned wardrobe into a better position. Don’t fall in to the trap. Develop a finite goal and stick to it. Trust me, it’s a lot quicker too.
4) Make Mistakes and Like It Mistakes aren’t the problem, being paralyzed into inaction is. Re-frame in your own mind how you relate to mistakes. Don’t think of them as something to be avoided. Mistakes are opportunities. And not in the unrealistic, fake I-am-in-prison-but-it’s-a-good-thing-because-I-get-all-this-free-time kind of way. In the way that anything worth doing risks a mistake (or several). You cannot truly be passionate about something unless you’re wiling to get something wrong. You don’t learn anything by standing back on the sidelines. You learn by knowing that when you fall down, you’ll find a way to get back up again.
5) Perfectionism Isn’t a Personality Trait Seriously. It’s not. Perfectionism is a coping mechanism for unpredictability. It introduces all kind of comforting control. You are not changing yourself by renouncing perfectionism, you’re taking the first step to discovering who you are without armor.
Taking the Plunge
Perfectionism is a habit. A bad one. And change doesn’t always come easy, or overnight. It’s a choice that will be made a million times over. But it is liberating, and it is worthwhile. Start small, set goals and stick to them. Don’t allow relapses into perfectionism dissuade you from your chosen course. Alphabetize at will. Allow yourself to make mistakes – you might finish a book, you might uncover a hidden talent or you might stumble upon something even better – the ability to surprise yourself and others. Reform yourself. Go ahead. I dare you.
The ideal of writing is to be thoughtful, memorable, meaningful and evocative. Perfectionism is an epic deception – promising the pinnacle of achievement and offering only self doubt, procrastination and inaction. The secret to changing it is simple. Don’t stop being a perfectionist. Start being passionate. Start taking risks. Start discovering who you are. Do you want to be great? Then stop being perfect.
Zoey Martin writes about parenting, general neurosis and toddler mayhem at Good Goog. She also blogs about books for little people and their admirers at Little People Books. She takes too many photos and tweets far more than is healthy @zoeyspeak.
Great article! Perfection causes so many projects to not start, not finish, or take far longer than they need to at the expense of other things.
Wonderful! I especially love number 5, that it isn’t who you are, but more of a defense mechanism.
Yes, re-writing a prologue 100 times does seem needless, almost wrong. Yet Joyce and Hemingway famously did the same thing for certain passages, and they wrote things that were almost perfect.
I’ve become a perfectionist, and for me, this is much better than the way I was, a problemist. In the past, I’d have written that prologue once, and maybe read it over once, and it wouldn’t have been any good. If you took a graph, I guarantee the majority of writers under-edit, rather than over-edit.
Still, if someone has this problem, and wants to solve it, this post will help.
I agree- this is a great post. Perfectionism is so unnecessary, yet we are all trained to ascribe to it. There is so much beauty in erring, making mistakes, even hitting rock bottom. That is how we learn. And really, what is the worst that could happen from making a mistake? It turns into an experience and life goes on. Most of the time, the need to be perfect comes from unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves. So lighten up and give yourself a break!
I think taking perfectionism over the top to the point where you can’t get anything done is not healthy. But everyone needs to be a perfectionist to a lesser degree, otherwise complacency and laziness sneak in and you’re fine sending out whatever you just came up with in the last 5 minutes and calling it “good enough,” when in fact, it is not.
If you’ve ever managed or developed a team, you would agree with this too.
I tend to agree with Eric, that under-editing is probably more of a problem than over-editing in the blogosphere. But, if one does it… it can certainly be a real problem.
My philosophy is that I set a standard. Theoretically, if you kept at the same piece for weeks, you could continue to make small improvements. But then you’d never publish anything.
So striking a balance is essential.
I set a standard. My post has to reach a certain level of satisfaction. Where I look at it and internally know it’s done well. That it’s clear, compelling and getting the intended message across.
I think it’s also a matter of priority. When you’re writing a comment on a blog for example, you may want to edit a touch, but not too much. It’s just a comment! Contrast that to doing a guest post on a popular blog, etc. Or… contrast that, even, with submitting an article to a magazine.
Bottom line is one must strive to be reasonable without being too lackadaisical.
While I was never as committed to perfectionism as you were, one day I had an epiphany:
Perfection is a concept created by humans in an attempt to manipulate people and/or control chaos. It only works on people.
What is required… the best solution…no…the answer, surely is… it’s no use, I just cant get it right…
btw, AJ, ‘…But everyone needs to be a perfectionist to a lesser degree,…’ you cant be a PERFECTIONIST to a LESSER degree!
When someone asks me to describe myself with just one word, I always say without any doubt: perfectionist. I even can’t remember when I began to be this way. Of course, I’m not always so perfectionist (like @Bamboo Forest wrote, writing a comment and a blog post is not the same), but sometimes it’s certainly a problem.
I also understand that is not always a bad thing; sometimes it can be even beneficial. We just need to keep it in a healthy degree.
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments.
I think it’s classic perfectionism reasoning that if you’re not a perfectionist all of a sudden you’ll be apathetic, lazy and substandard. I agree that a balance is needed. However, balance is not the strong suit of the perfectionist (at least not this reformed perfectionist, anyway!) I agree with @Bamboo Forest. You can set a standard for your work without requiring perfection.
The idea of liking your mistakes is definitely a different way of viewing things, but I do agree with you in many ways. We can not move on unless we accept theses things and try to improve for the better over time.
I love this post, and it applies just as much to mothers too. http://www.trishcardona.com/2010/04/yummy-mummy-the-tc-way/
Thank you.
I avoid perfectionism by setting a timer for my writing … knowing that my life is too full to play catch up later means that I write like fury to punch out a post within the designated time. I started by setting 10 minutes but that was pretty unrealistic for a full article, so now I aim for 30.
Great post! I struggle with my perfectionism every day. I’m always thinking, “I can say that better,” or “Let me just rewrite that one more time…”
It’s one thing to strive for perfection, but it’s another to let it so completely consume you that you can’t get anything done at all.
It’s easier for me to rewrite than write, which is a huge stumbling block. It’s not uncommon for me to rewrite a comment two or three times. Your post has helped me “face my issues head-on” . . . or, “I’m facing my issues head-on” . . . or, “facing my issues head-on, I’m going to quit” . . . (or, “stop.”)
Yep I struggle with perfectionism too a bit. Although I think I’ve drastically improved! :) Thanks for the great tips though, I’ll be keeping these in mind for future reference! lol
C
I really like this post about perfectionism. I think it’s on the mark. I think you are right, Zoey – that taking a break from perfectionism does not automatically mean a plunge into laziness and apathy. Many, many tasks do not require the degree of care that is marked by p’ism. For those that do, that require strenuous attention to detail, that is excellence, not perfectionism. The “ism” involves, in my humble opinion, a lack of choice – a slavish obsession to spending lots and lots of time and energy on projects that do not warrant it. So I would say, in addition to your other perfectionism-busting strategies, I would suggest adding discernment.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom here, especially about how perfectionism is a “coping mechanism for unpredictability.” That’s how mine started! I’m always looking for ways to be less hard on myself and this was really helpful.
Gail
I’ve been trying to beat perfectionism for the last year. Recently I’ve chose to live a minimal life style which has really opened up this extra head room to make mistakes and live with what I’ve got.
Instead of working on something for months to make it “perfect” I get as much done as possible and push it live. I find it’s best to learn as you go instead of being trapped in this vicious cycle where nothing ever gets done.
At work, my boss would always require final approval on new products which would hold up releases for nearly 2 – 3 months! After he finally decided to step back and let us work on them ourselves, we’ve dropped the time to less than 2 weeks – we even released a new product in a single day!
I guess my point is that you shouldn’t try to be the best, it will come naturally. You have to learn from your mistakes along the way but if you never take that first step (grinding endlessly to make it perfect) you’ll never have success.
Thanks for the post, Zoey. I recently posted an article about writer’s block and cited perfectionism as one of the reasons we can become immobilized around our writing. I should know. Some of my worst experiences with writer’s block came when I was struggling with perfectionism. You’re right on about perfectionism keeping us from creating, and I agree that it’s a coping mechanism and about control. I think I’ve managed to find a balance between being diligent and being a perfectionist, but I’d say that I still struggle with letting myself make mistakes. I think I’ll take your advice and start trying to “like”–no, love–my mistakes for the learning opportunities that they are. Thanks again!
Hey Zoey, I can really relate to this. I used to spend so much time trying to get things right, I never finished anything. One day I decided something along the lines of ‘screw it, nothing’s perfect.’ Strict deadlines help with this.
I think it all comes down to a fear of failure. If something isn’t perfect, the logic goes, then it’s a failure. But this is only a recipe for paralysis.
I love this article! You hit the nail on the head. I know agree that perfectionism is not a blessing its a curse!
This line “Because a perfectionist starts with the goal of folding the laundry and ends up re-organizing the entire wardrobe” sums up the whole article and had my laughing for ages.
Thanks again! Time to break those shakles
“Sometimes, WE reformed perfectionists need to indulge in certain behavior.” HaHaHaHaHa…Ha?
“Make Mistakes and Like It” – wow. I certainly need to work on this :P I know mistakes are inevitable, but they really do frustrate me. I’m kind of obsessive that way.
“You cannot truly be passionate about something unless you’re wiling to get something wrong.” – I’ll keep those words in mind next time frustration creeps in again :P
BTW, I’d just like to share this with my fellow freelancers in the UK (I know a lot who are getting frustrated with our current economic situation :P) Might brighten up your day : http://freelancesupermarket.com/news/2010/4/14/signs-of-improvement-in-freelancer-job-markets.aspx :)
This was an awesome post. I’m a recovering perfectionist as well- Thank you so much!!
I ended up talking about this on my blog, but this article is cool. check out my creative writing blog at http://thehatlist.wordpress.com/ if you’re interested.
Very useful and informative article